Destiny Reruns!

Why does destiny have reruns? “So you mean to say, I cannot do anything with you whereas they could do all that they wanted to do with you?”IMG_0196
“They made you do things which I wouldn’t even dream doing it to you.”
“I respected you whereas they treated you like a doormat.”
“They all wiped their feet and every other dirty things on you and you sweetly agreed to it.”
“Just because you were a whore then and now you are my wife?” “You don’t think husbands have privileges whereas customers can do anything with you just because they had paid for your services?”
“This is highly unfair. I don’t think I would like to live with you. You can go back to whoring for all I care.”
That’s when I took all my stuff and walked out.
I guess you now know my story in a small way.
Whenever I see the reruns of “Pretty Woman,” I often have to remind myself that it’s just another fairytale. Life doesn’t follow the path that way. I used to do all the things my husband spoke to me about.
Those were times long gone. I finished that part of my life and wanted to move on. Every time I wanted to do so, I was pulled down by the universe around me. Everyone pointed fingers at me. I shifted states and towns with the idea that my past won’t follow me around. Still it did.
Just like Linda Lovelace found her husband and settled down in life, I too wished on the star. I could make it just that bit. I found a regular job which could pay for my accommodation and food. Later, I found the man of my dreams. I pinned all my hopes on him. He was very gentle and kind to me. Before we got into a serious relationship, I told him a little about myself. He took off for a few days but was back telling me that it’s just the past and that he was willing to forget and move on. He told me that he wanted the present to himself alone. I agreed to that and we got married soon.
We had two beautiful children. During my second pregnancy, there was a big altercation at home. He said a lot many things, even questioning the second one.
He raked up my past a number of times thereafter. Later, he would apologize for that. This went on for a nearly a year. I bore all his insults and innuendos.
How could I tell him that the things that I did in the past were not voluntarily but were forced on me by destiny or whatever you want to call it. But when I met him, I just wanted to feel clean and pure about everything. I wanted love and not lust. I wanted to be loved for who I am and not for my body. I told him many a times when he went down on me that I really felt special. I felt truly wanted and cared for. But I wasn’t ready for his assaults and accusations.
Love cannot live where there are expectations in life.
When the expectations grew unbound, I couldn’t do what he asked me to. I again started feeling like a used commodity. The self respect that I had garnered for myself slipped away. I became a recluse. He could never see through that. He started doing exactly the way my customers treated me. Just like a whore.
I took the decision to move out. I did it reluctantly. Today I have found myself a good job. I take care of both my kids. I have no qualms whatsoever. We haven’t divorced yet. Just separated. I hope someday when he is again able to accept me, I will allow him to see our kids. Till then, I just feel that I don’t need another rerun of destiny.


Told What To Do

Why am I told what to do or not? I had been often told that I am not capable of doing anything at all. A person not worthy enough to live in this world. That my IQ is worse than a child’s. This had put me down and made me go in a shell.
But I was never like that. I remember racing through my class and breaking all records. I remember topping all entrance examinations, scoring top notch wins. I ran in athletics, shot perfect arrows in archery and was an exemplary sportsperson. I have multiple awards stashed somewhere to prove that I did all that.
Then what happened to me to shut myself up? I had forgotten every little thing that I used to do way back during my youth and childhood. Why did I look lifeless and a burden on the society? Why did I look so wistfully at my niece going to work for that IT company? Was I jealous of her success or was it my deepest desire to fly out there into the open and feel free?
I think the last one is the perfect answer. I wanted freedom. I truly and really wanted to be free! Don’t you know what I am talking about? Freedom? You didn’t believe I am free and capable of doing what I feel like? Let me tell you what happened the last time I broached this subject to my husband.
I wished to join some architecture classes since I was keen to polish my designing skills. They were expensive but they would have catapulted me into the business of home and office designs. I saw him happy with some playoffs one day and I told him that I had spare time and that I wished to take up these part time architectural and interior design classes. But I guess I made the biggest mistake in telling him that. He started off with the institute which he believed to be a lousy one. Then the fees were too much. Then it came to managing timings. The focus finally shifted to my intellect, wherein he opined that I had absolutely no brains for such a thing. Lastly it came to our personalities. Was he not providing enough for the entire family? How could I think of such a thing when my job was to take care of our family and home? The matter got settled there itself. He cowered all over me and shut me up. Then as a consolation, he made love to me. Did I even want him to touch me then? No way! I hated being told that I am the greatest idiot on earth. I seethed inwards.
Today when I look backwards in life, I knew that I will someday break free from that self inflicted bondage. I still remember my friends coming home and tell me how tastefully I had decorated my house. They encouraged me and asked my opinions on what kind of prints to buy, what upholstery to match the decor, what palette to use in different parts of their homes, what kind of paintings or wall hangings to put in their drawing rooms. These little inputs one day gave me the confidence to take on one of my friends bedroom design. The greatest compliment I got was from her hubby. He told me that I had got great talent and that I should seriously look at interior design as my part or full-time profession! I had created heavens on their ceilings. On the eastern side with the warm glow of a rising sun to the various hues of orange, blue, gray and smokey tints settling in the western end. The ceiling looked surreal and yet dreamy twilighty. My color sense later prompted me to assist the design team of one of the largest paint manufacturing company. I went on board as their consultant and later I opened my own consultancy in color designs.
All this took a very long time. Now as I look back, I think if I would not have put my foot down at the right time and taken that step of walking out in this competitive world, I would still be ruing and wasting my life.
It takes tremendous amount of courage to step out, don’t you think so? A woman is always told what she should do or shouldn’t! Why do people around believe that women have no brains or acumen? What makes the world pull her down and make her feel that she is the most underprivileged citizen of this world?
We have great brains and desires too. If we decide to take the matters into our own hands then we can make it anywhere. We do have initial inhibitions and we need encouragements and not derision. We are not just homemakers but contributors to the society equally. I am not asking for being called equal or requesting you to give us space in this society. I am telling you that I don’t need your silly permission or approvals. I know who I am and can do anything humanly possible in this world. Body parts don’t make me who I am. I am that one part of this universe and I acknowledge my worth. I don’t need anyone to endorse me my worth. In short, I will appoint my down lines if I need them and I am fully capable of handling myself. Mother or wife are just tags and I will accept these or reject them if I wish to. I am a good person and I believe that I am capable of doing anything in my world. So stop telling me what I should do or shouldn’t.

Black And Fat?

IMG_4538‘You are black and fat!’ That’s what he called me and I resent it. Why should someone call me that when I am in no way interfering in his life? Nobody has the right to call me that. Leave alone my own near and dear ones.
Many years ago, I put on a lot of weight and I was born dark. Not black, you bum! We all come from a community and breed that has the color of the skin, which is hereditary. You can’t do anything about my color. You feel I should go and get a skin graft done? I was born this way and I am proud of my color. You don’t even know the advantages of this skin color. I don’t have to wear heavy makeup and I don’t have to hide any blemishes. No doubt, those who are dark skinned feel the pain or have less self esteem in the beginning but we grow into our own admirers.
Skin color doesn’t define what is inside of us. We are very loving and caring people and we don’t deride or detest anyone for no rhyme or reason. The color of my skin is perfect. I have no need to want to become fair skinned. I know in certain countries marriages are decided on skin color and companies sell their skin lightening products too. Aren’t they putting us down? Why are we supposed to feel miserable for our skin color? That’s inequality and no freedom there. So the skin color is permanent and my own and you better not tell me that I don’t deserve to be called good looking. I am by far the best looking person for my dear ones.
Now we come to the remaining comment of being called fat! I have been told many a times to go to the gym and do some exercises or do some crash weight reduction program. But then you are judging me with your silly yardstick. You think I haven’t tried it out? You believe that I cannot put my heart and soul in it to pull down my weight? It has been a constant struggle for the last few years to work out and reduce the weight. But after all those processes I realized that I have an inborn condition which doesn’t allow me to go down in weight.
Now my family has accepted me the way I am and I am no longer feeling that I should force myself on a diet or regime to pull down my weight.
I maintain my healthy lifestyle and eat healthy too. I walk over 4 km per day and I walk up and down the stairs whenever I get a chance. I avoid the lifts for a few floors. If you ask me about triglycerides or omega 3’s or even LDL or HDL’s I will be able to prattle about it. So don’t you dare tell me that I should have done this or that to come down on my fat!
Let’s not get personal here. Let me live my life the way I should and you live yours. You are spreading too much ill will in the society with your snide comments so lay off.
Of course there are advantages to the way I look. I am fully aware of my own shortcomings too and I try to work around them. Let me say it once and for all, I am happy with my own self and I am proud of my heritage and my hereditary genes so kindly desist from making your stupid observations. Live and let live. I don’t owe you anything at all.
On a parting note, let me tell you that a one kilo addition to 50kg of mans weight makes a very big difference, than a 5 kg addition to a 120kg weight person. Also a red weal on a fair skin creates distortion of the image but the same makes no difference on my kind of color. So there, I hope you won’t be mean to us again!

How To Fund My Education?

IMG_4898How was I ever going to fund my education? I had absolutely no clue if there was a Pretty Woman out there, who was going to tuck in my education fund or what!
I always wanted to go out of my country and learn abroad, not because the education system in my country sucks but I needed to get a head start in my career in whichever industry I get employed.
The employers are always going to give preferences to those who have great degrees from some fancy institutions abroad.
I agree, my thinking might have been skewed but let me tell you, the world out there is extra competitive and we are minions getting replaced every minute if we don’t perform. Also we need to get manufactured at the best locations.
Don’t they say, location, location, location? So also in the education business, it’s location only. You know for sure the Harvard grad gets more than some SSU( some small Univ.) grad.
So coming back to the story. I had no clue, how my education abroad will happen. But when the time came for me to look out for some great universities, I zeroed on to the choicest one. With my grades it would be easier to get in, but the university had just screwed up the scholarships that year. Maybe the government there wanted to just make money and not give any concessions. So there I was getting admitted but without any clue as to how I was going to pay the fees.
The university opens its doors to those who can afford it. They are in the business of making money, you know. The whole education system sucks. Look at the loans that these poor hapless students are burdened with. So I was truly in the middle of nowhere.
My parents rustled up some funds by selling of the HDB flat they had and moved to another rented location. Isn’t that terrible? You know I balked at what they were doing! I am not so sure, if I will be able to pay them back ever.
These hard working dudes in my world were truly living up to the dictum of helping the poor and needy. My catholic upbringing taught me right at the beginning of my life, how we are supposed to take care of the needy and all that jazz. But I never knew I would be that needy one!
Anyway my first year fees were secured by these gullible souls. Now I studied hard and partied hard. What else does a first year student do besides getting soaked screwed and rolled in the muck around? I too did the same. Thankfully, I woke up just in time for my semester exams.
In the second year, these folks went out with the begging bowl to all relatives and friends. I guess they must have sold their soul to the devil too. I don’t know about that, but I am sure they might have been at the receiving end from everyone and sundry. Now, you ask me why didn’t you apply for a study loan? That’s a stupid question when there are no assets or tangibles to pawn, these banker Shylocks didn’t want to even consider my application. So let’s not go there, ok?
They were able to get 70 percent of the funds that way as soft loans from some relatives and friends. The rest they sold the family jewelry and got it. I felt like a great heel then. But I persevered.
At what cost? I was depressed and dejected the whole year and I tanked in curriculum. It was a terrible mistake thinking about going for studies abroad. I should have stuck to the meaningless education there itself. But you know how greed is? It eggs you on. So my second year fees got paid. I was dreading my last year. I had no clue where the money was going to come from.
Since my parents had used up all the known resources and had been trying right from second year to secure these funds, they had made nil progress. No one wants to loan a beggar. Every rat from the ship deserted. My relatives vanished and friends took to heels.
My third year stared at me. I held a mail in my hands which told me that if I am unable to pay the fees, I could take a break and gather some funds for later. But I was not ready for that. When I was back from holidays, my parents had brainwashed me into thinking that there is some God somewhere who is going to create magic. I didn’t for a minute believe in that bs. What God were these silly people talking about? Someone who hasn’t even bothered to save the world or stopped these guys from shooting children. I never could stay back. I hated my country and my parents too for all these goofs. I went back to the term but I dreaded every single day.
The deadline was coming closer for paying the fees.
Suddenly I got this whatsapp message from my dad asking me to come online. He never speaks to me and I was a bit intrigued with that so I logged in. He began by how the world has grown and all that blah these old guys talk. Then he dropped the bombshell. Let’s get you crowd funded! Wtf?
So you want me to go bare naked in the streets with a begging bowl? Have you lost your mind, I asked? No, he was darned stubborn about it. I took three days of pure depression before I opened my comp to write down my application. Then as they say rest is history.
You will not believe this, but I refused to go to the score board. Everyone of my Facebook friends must be jeering at me and my stupidity. That sod! He finally had got to me. Where the hell was I supposed to go, within weeks of my final fees payment dates? I had gone and done the silliest and stupidest things in the whole wide world.
I kept on getting whatsapp messages every hour on the hour. I didn’t even open a single one. Let him send, who cares? Finally I couldn’t stand it any longer. I saw over 20 messages in whatsapp, over a hundred in Facebook and maybe a million mails. The last message read- babe, your dream has come true. You have over 15k collection in our account now.
I couldn’t ever imagine how that happened? Was it their God who came to my rescue or some wild luck? I will never understand that. Maybe it’s the power of the social network, or the new begging platform called crowd funding, or it may be just some wild chance. Who knows?
The mails were all congratulating me on my success, some praised me for having the guts to beg in the open. Some even thanked me to say how their dreams will now come true after I had set them an example. So crowd funding was my savior.
Or was it some gray old man in the sky, or my old man or just my luck?

The Empty House

IMG_4729What do you have to look forward to now that the house is empty?

The light dimmed from her eyes and she teared up suddenly.

The truth dawned upon me but I was unable to help her out since my career lay ahead of me.

I was moving to Australia for my job and here was my dear old mother coming to the airport to drop me off.

I knew that she will be going back to an empty house and no one to irritate her anymore.

Women of 50’s are prone to this kind of situations in life.

They have been sincerely working off their entire lives smoothly running their households.

This well oiled machine runs from day to night offering simple stuff to the complicated without complaints.

From grocery shopping to feeding everyone at home they have worn their bodies out.

The husbands whims and the children’s fancies are always fulfilled by this genie called mom.

Its been a very long time she had given up her own ambition and life for the drudgery of becoming a home mom.

When the first baby happened she gave up her dreams and fitted herself out into becoming a perfect mother.

Then the second happened and she raised the bar further becoming more aggressively the supermom.

Handling literally every little chore she led us every single day from morning to night like a great army captain.

Her handling at school was immaculate. Meetings with the dean or teachers was never treated with disdain.

We were dropped to school in time and picked up also. I do not remember a single day standing outside waiting for her to come pick us up, since she appeared well before we did.

Now that I am sitting in my flight to Sydney, I am suddenly left with a big doubt.

How will she cope up with this big hole at home?

When my brother left for France for his studies, I couldn’t see much tears in her eyes. But, now I can sense the steely eyes would have withered by sadness like the autumnal leaves.

Dad was always going out for his work and never there to handle anything at all, including any emergencies.

I can visualize her sitting very forlorn and lost in the living room hoping to get some sort of shout from the floor above, but now that it was empty, she wouldn’t get one.

She will have no idea what to shop for now that there aren’t any members who demanded any kind of special items on the daily menu. The fridge would be less stocked now, I guess.

The helplessness of feeling that empty nest syndrome is too taxing on anyone, especially those who are used to seeing the house full. The noise and clamor suddenly leaving  and the stillness filling up in the air is dreadful.

There would be no one to talk to at all. Which doesn’t mean that I was a great listener! I never allowed her to speak.

The house was filled with loud talks by my brother and dad.

She was always the quiet one sliding smoothly food stuff on the empty tables, during heavy dinner debates.

I am lost for words now that I have come away. What in the world is she going to do now?

She had never cultivated any special life of her own otherwise too.

So there were no friends to go to, no committees and no relatives also.

The empty 50’s is self consuming with boredom and inertia.

But what of that one who is used to work herself out day and night?

I really don’t know what she will end up doing now that I am gone.

I really hope she finds something now to egg her on in life.

Hope she finds her next goal and reason for living the 50’s and beyond.

Educating A Girl Child

IMG_3845Why is educating a girl child so important? Tell me what is so great to educate a girl in a developed nation? Then ask yourself if it is possible to do the same in a developing or underdeveloped one? The worst possible are countries ruled by archaic traditions where women are treated worse than house pets.
I come from a nation where it’s a tad difficult to educate a girl child. The entire nation may have programs which talk about girl child education, but the first slap I got was when my father asked me why is it important to educate me? Any which way I was going to get married and will have to leave my studies midway. He told me it’s a better investment if he were to spend for his nincompoop son’s education. He will get more dowry and a better proposal. His education will get him better loans and better facilities. It will give my brother a good foothold in a MNC. He can negotiate a better salary. Later his education will get him good scope in his own business.
I was flabbergasted at what he was talking. He had thought of me as a drain in his assets and finances, whereas boys education was a better deal. It made great business sense.
It was such a hypocritical view, that I was appalled and repented born to this kind of a MCP. Girl child education sounds like a good policy but when you have people with such narrow minded views, it defeats the purpose entirely. Tell me what use is it to educate a girl and then sell her in the marriage market? When a man treats his own daughter as a drain on his resources, you really wonder where can there be justice?
My mother doesn’t have much say at home, so you can visualize the scene that took place when I revolted and fought back.
My mother helped me on the sly by providing me funding for higher studies. She told me to apply to universities abroad. Till the day I hadn’t received my admission letter, we never let the cat out of the bag. Once my tickets and letters were ready, we informed dad about my imminent departure. There was a big fight in the family. My grandmother and mother gave him a piece of mind. Both becoming a formidable wall protecting me from the enemy within in the form of my father.
I reached my destination and I had another great surprise in store for me. The university that I had applied for was a sham. I was in for a complete shock. I was afraid my father now could get me back home on this pretext. But I did a little research and found that I could take admission into another place. I called up my mother to tell her my decision. She again abided by me. She was extremely helpful in arranging a lot of background stuff for me. One of her distant relatives stood in good stead. He helped me get to my destination without hitch.
Now I am well settled in a great job. I enjoy my work but I am reminded by the turbulent past and my fathers attitude. I would do anything to help another woman who is going through similar circumstances. I sincerely hope that girls can stand up to these silly old beliefs and fight their way out of old archaic belief systems.
But I alone can never do anything. It requires a great effort and lots of support from every woman on this planet. I would tell them, don’t just think about your own selves just because you do not have such difficulties in getting educated. Think of those millions who would love to get educated and yet cannot because of their silly beliefs and society rules. Let us come together and drive a girl child towards better education so that she can become a good member of the society. Remember a woman is not a burden on the society but she is the main pillar on which the society stands.

Why Blue?

Merged in Blue

Merged in Blue

Why blue? Why not some other color? Why not a straight relationship? Just imagine the whole world around me believes that holding hands or taking some other girl to a cafe is like becoming lesbians! What the f..k?
I mean I have been into a straight relationship with women of all ages and here I am getting branded with sexual overtones for no rhyme or reason. I hate this attitudes of these prudes who snigger and give a silly smile looking at us. I would some day like to prove them right, there on the spot. But I am unable to do that. We come from an orthodox family and all that jazz. Sex is a big taboo in our world. But mind you, they all are oversexed and perverts to the core. Anyway I am not here to spoil my mood. Ok! I am here to tell you about my very special relationship with my dearest friend. No names, ok?
So here goes. She used to visit my office very regularly and I never paid much attention to her. A very petite woman in late 30’s I guessed then. She wore her hair shorter than the rest and seemed very tomboyish. Her talk was always very husky and mature. I am sorry, I don’t know what I am talking here, but I guess you can understand all that. So one fine day( sure, we saw that movie together too) she just asked me casually whether we could get together for lunch. In the office cafeteria, mind you!
I really don’t know what she spoke to me then, but I hazily remember we just spoke about work and later about our interests. I didn’t find any interests common between us. But something’s just fall in place! You know what I mean.
Suddenly she was all over the place and we were regularly attending gym and having coffee more often. I would travel far beyond my office just to meet her in some mall or some other place. One day I booked some movie tickets for us but I guess she didn’t enjoy it at all. Maybe her temperament is more suitable for the scifi type of films. I loved all mushy films. Still we continued to go for movies.
We even had some strange stuffs to do. You know the type of Arab streets stuff. We started to become serious much later. I think it all started when I had to be admitted in emergency in the hospital. She was the only one there for me. I told her to go home but she wouldn’t budge from her chair. Slept the whole night there and as the doc gave a clean chit, she tucked me home. I saw how much she loved me then.
Then there were flowers and rings and restaurants and holidays to exotic locations too.
Now we come to a point when your imagination may run wild. So hold it right there. I was surely and deeply in love with her but it was in no way a physical relationship.
We were twin souls who found love with each other. We expressed it with each other but decided that there could be nothing more to that than just being in love.
The closest we ever came to each other is when we hugged each other or we kissed like two friends meeting each other. Sometimes we stay at each other’s houses too. But the only thing that we do is talk, watch movies or just exchange notes from our past lives and keep to ourselves.
Let the silly ones watch the blue movies or see some serials but that doesn’t affect our relationships. I do have an occasional bouts of jealousy when she goes with her other friends but that’s all to it. We fight and then make up and then we again fight. We have our mood swings and terrible scenes too. But that doesn’t separate us in any which way.
We have arrived at a healthy code of conduct. I will not interfere in her personal relationships and neither will she. But when we are together we want to be together only. No one can take that away from us.
Now coming back to the movie, we watched it together and felt the emotions but that can hardly make me have a roaring sex bout with her. Anyway she seems cool to it. Maybe some day! Who knows? So just stfu and don’t you go about calling us gay or whatever you want to. You live your life and let us live ours. Got that, ah?