Destiny Reruns!

Why does destiny have reruns? “So you mean to say, I cannot do anything with you whereas they could do all that they wanted to do with you?”IMG_0196
“They made you do things which I wouldn’t even dream doing it to you.”
“I respected you whereas they treated you like a doormat.”
“They all wiped their feet and every other dirty things on you and you sweetly agreed to it.”
“Why?”
“Just because you were a whore then and now you are my wife?” “You don’t think husbands have privileges whereas customers can do anything with you just because they had paid for your services?”
“This is highly unfair. I don’t think I would like to live with you. You can go back to whoring for all I care.”
That’s when I took all my stuff and walked out.
I guess you now know my story in a small way.
Whenever I see the reruns of “Pretty Woman,” I often have to remind myself that it’s just another fairytale. Life doesn’t follow the path that way. I used to do all the things my husband spoke to me about.
Those were times long gone. I finished that part of my life and wanted to move on. Every time I wanted to do so, I was pulled down by the universe around me. Everyone pointed fingers at me. I shifted states and towns with the idea that my past won’t follow me around. Still it did.
Just like Linda Lovelace found her husband and settled down in life, I too wished on the star. I could make it just that bit. I found a regular job which could pay for my accommodation and food. Later, I found the man of my dreams. I pinned all my hopes on him. He was very gentle and kind to me. Before we got into a serious relationship, I told him a little about myself. He took off for a few days but was back telling me that it’s just the past and that he was willing to forget and move on. He told me that he wanted the present to himself alone. I agreed to that and we got married soon.
We had two beautiful children. During my second pregnancy, there was a big altercation at home. He said a lot many things, even questioning the second one.
He raked up my past a number of times thereafter. Later, he would apologize for that. This went on for a nearly a year. I bore all his insults and innuendos.
How could I tell him that the things that I did in the past were not voluntarily but were forced on me by destiny or whatever you want to call it. But when I met him, I just wanted to feel clean and pure about everything. I wanted love and not lust. I wanted to be loved for who I am and not for my body. I told him many a times when he went down on me that I really felt special. I felt truly wanted and cared for. But I wasn’t ready for his assaults and accusations.
Love cannot live where there are expectations in life.
When the expectations grew unbound, I couldn’t do what he asked me to. I again started feeling like a used commodity. The self respect that I had garnered for myself slipped away. I became a recluse. He could never see through that. He started doing exactly the way my customers treated me. Just like a whore.
I took the decision to move out. I did it reluctantly. Today I have found myself a good job. I take care of both my kids. I have no qualms whatsoever. We haven’t divorced yet. Just separated. I hope someday when he is again able to accept me, I will allow him to see our kids. Till then, I just feel that I don’t need another rerun of destiny.

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