Told What To Do

Why am I told what to do or not? I had been often told that I am not capable of doing anything at all. A person not worthy enough to live in this world. That my IQ is worse than a child’s. This had put me down and made me go in a shell.
But I was never like that. I remember racing through my class and breaking all records. I remember topping all entrance examinations, scoring top notch wins. I ran in athletics, shot perfect arrows in archery and was an exemplary sportsperson. I have multiple awards stashed somewhere to prove that I did all that.
Then what happened to me to shut myself up? I had forgotten every little thing that I used to do way back during my youth and childhood. Why did I look lifeless and a burden on the society? Why did I look so wistfully at my niece going to work for that IT company? Was I jealous of her success or was it my deepest desire to fly out there into the open and feel free?
I think the last one is the perfect answer. I wanted freedom. I truly and really wanted to be free! Don’t you know what I am talking about? Freedom? You didn’t believe I am free and capable of doing what I feel like? Let me tell you what happened the last time I broached this subject to my husband.
I wished to join some architecture classes since I was keen to polish my designing skills. They were expensive but they would have catapulted me into the business of home and office designs. I saw him happy with some playoffs one day and I told him that I had spare time and that I wished to take up these part time architectural and interior design classes. But I guess I made the biggest mistake in telling him that. He started off with the institute which he believed to be a lousy one. Then the fees were too much. Then it came to managing timings. The focus finally shifted to my intellect, wherein he opined that I had absolutely no brains for such a thing. Lastly it came to our personalities. Was he not providing enough for the entire family? How could I think of such a thing when my job was to take care of our family and home? The matter got settled there itself. He cowered all over me and shut me up. Then as a consolation, he made love to me. Did I even want him to touch me then? No way! I hated being told that I am the greatest idiot on earth. I seethed inwards.
Today when I look backwards in life, I knew that I will someday break free from that self inflicted bondage. I still remember my friends coming home and tell me how tastefully I had decorated my house. They encouraged me and asked my opinions on what kind of prints to buy, what upholstery to match the decor, what palette to use in different parts of their homes, what kind of paintings or wall hangings to put in their drawing rooms. These little inputs one day gave me the confidence to take on one of my friends bedroom design. The greatest compliment I got was from her hubby. He told me that I had got great talent and that I should seriously look at interior design as my part or full-time profession! I had created heavens on their ceilings. On the eastern side with the warm glow of a rising sun to the various hues of orange, blue, gray and smokey tints settling in the western end. The ceiling looked surreal and yet dreamy twilighty. My color sense later prompted me to assist the design team of one of the largest paint manufacturing company. I went on board as their consultant and later I opened my own consultancy in color designs.
All this took a very long time. Now as I look back, I think if I would not have put my foot down at the right time and taken that step of walking out in this competitive world, I would still be ruing and wasting my life.
It takes tremendous amount of courage to step out, don’t you think so? A woman is always told what she should do or shouldn’t! Why do people around believe that women have no brains or acumen? What makes the world pull her down and make her feel that she is the most underprivileged citizen of this world?
We have great brains and desires too. If we decide to take the matters into our own hands then we can make it anywhere. We do have initial inhibitions and we need encouragements and not derision. We are not just homemakers but contributors to the society equally. I am not asking for being called equal or requesting you to give us space in this society. I am telling you that I don’t need your silly permission or approvals. I know who I am and can do anything humanly possible in this world. Body parts don’t make me who I am. I am that one part of this universe and I acknowledge my worth. I don’t need anyone to endorse me my worth. In short, I will appoint my down lines if I need them and I am fully capable of handling myself. Mother or wife are just tags and I will accept these or reject them if I wish to. I am a good person and I believe that I am capable of doing anything in my world. So stop telling me what I should do or shouldn’t.