Destiny Reruns!

Why does destiny have reruns? “So you mean to say, I cannot do anything with you whereas they could do all that they wanted to do with you?”IMG_0196
“They made you do things which I wouldn’t even dream doing it to you.”
“I respected you whereas they treated you like a doormat.”
“They all wiped their feet and every other dirty things on you and you sweetly agreed to it.”
“Just because you were a whore then and now you are my wife?” “You don’t think husbands have privileges whereas customers can do anything with you just because they had paid for your services?”
“This is highly unfair. I don’t think I would like to live with you. You can go back to whoring for all I care.”
That’s when I took all my stuff and walked out.
I guess you now know my story in a small way.
Whenever I see the reruns of “Pretty Woman,” I often have to remind myself that it’s just another fairytale. Life doesn’t follow the path that way. I used to do all the things my husband spoke to me about.
Those were times long gone. I finished that part of my life and wanted to move on. Every time I wanted to do so, I was pulled down by the universe around me. Everyone pointed fingers at me. I shifted states and towns with the idea that my past won’t follow me around. Still it did.
Just like Linda Lovelace found her husband and settled down in life, I too wished on the star. I could make it just that bit. I found a regular job which could pay for my accommodation and food. Later, I found the man of my dreams. I pinned all my hopes on him. He was very gentle and kind to me. Before we got into a serious relationship, I told him a little about myself. He took off for a few days but was back telling me that it’s just the past and that he was willing to forget and move on. He told me that he wanted the present to himself alone. I agreed to that and we got married soon.
We had two beautiful children. During my second pregnancy, there was a big altercation at home. He said a lot many things, even questioning the second one.
He raked up my past a number of times thereafter. Later, he would apologize for that. This went on for a nearly a year. I bore all his insults and innuendos.
How could I tell him that the things that I did in the past were not voluntarily but were forced on me by destiny or whatever you want to call it. But when I met him, I just wanted to feel clean and pure about everything. I wanted love and not lust. I wanted to be loved for who I am and not for my body. I told him many a times when he went down on me that I really felt special. I felt truly wanted and cared for. But I wasn’t ready for his assaults and accusations.
Love cannot live where there are expectations in life.
When the expectations grew unbound, I couldn’t do what he asked me to. I again started feeling like a used commodity. The self respect that I had garnered for myself slipped away. I became a recluse. He could never see through that. He started doing exactly the way my customers treated me. Just like a whore.
I took the decision to move out. I did it reluctantly. Today I have found myself a good job. I take care of both my kids. I have no qualms whatsoever. We haven’t divorced yet. Just separated. I hope someday when he is again able to accept me, I will allow him to see our kids. Till then, I just feel that I don’t need another rerun of destiny.


The Empty House

IMG_4729What do you have to look forward to now that the house is empty?

The light dimmed from her eyes and she teared up suddenly.

The truth dawned upon me but I was unable to help her out since my career lay ahead of me.

I was moving to Australia for my job and here was my dear old mother coming to the airport to drop me off.

I knew that she will be going back to an empty house and no one to irritate her anymore.

Women of 50’s are prone to this kind of situations in life.

They have been sincerely working off their entire lives smoothly running their households.

This well oiled machine runs from day to night offering simple stuff to the complicated without complaints.

From grocery shopping to feeding everyone at home they have worn their bodies out.

The husbands whims and the children’s fancies are always fulfilled by this genie called mom.

Its been a very long time she had given up her own ambition and life for the drudgery of becoming a home mom.

When the first baby happened she gave up her dreams and fitted herself out into becoming a perfect mother.

Then the second happened and she raised the bar further becoming more aggressively the supermom.

Handling literally every little chore she led us every single day from morning to night like a great army captain.

Her handling at school was immaculate. Meetings with the dean or teachers was never treated with disdain.

We were dropped to school in time and picked up also. I do not remember a single day standing outside waiting for her to come pick us up, since she appeared well before we did.

Now that I am sitting in my flight to Sydney, I am suddenly left with a big doubt.

How will she cope up with this big hole at home?

When my brother left for France for his studies, I couldn’t see much tears in her eyes. But, now I can sense the steely eyes would have withered by sadness like the autumnal leaves.

Dad was always going out for his work and never there to handle anything at all, including any emergencies.

I can visualize her sitting very forlorn and lost in the living room hoping to get some sort of shout from the floor above, but now that it was empty, she wouldn’t get one.

She will have no idea what to shop for now that there aren’t any members who demanded any kind of special items on the daily menu. The fridge would be less stocked now, I guess.

The helplessness of feeling that empty nest syndrome is too taxing on anyone, especially those who are used to seeing the house full. The noise and clamor suddenly leaving  and the stillness filling up in the air is dreadful.

There would be no one to talk to at all. Which doesn’t mean that I was a great listener! I never allowed her to speak.

The house was filled with loud talks by my brother and dad.

She was always the quiet one sliding smoothly food stuff on the empty tables, during heavy dinner debates.

I am lost for words now that I have come away. What in the world is she going to do now?

She had never cultivated any special life of her own otherwise too.

So there were no friends to go to, no committees and no relatives also.

The empty 50’s is self consuming with boredom and inertia.

But what of that one who is used to work herself out day and night?

I really don’t know what she will end up doing now that I am gone.

I really hope she finds something now to egg her on in life.

Hope she finds her next goal and reason for living the 50’s and beyond.

Why Blue?

Merged in Blue

Merged in Blue

Why blue? Why not some other color? Why not a straight relationship? Just imagine the whole world around me believes that holding hands or taking some other girl to a cafe is like becoming lesbians! What the f..k?
I mean I have been into a straight relationship with women of all ages and here I am getting branded with sexual overtones for no rhyme or reason. I hate this attitudes of these prudes who snigger and give a silly smile looking at us. I would some day like to prove them right, there on the spot. But I am unable to do that. We come from an orthodox family and all that jazz. Sex is a big taboo in our world. But mind you, they all are oversexed and perverts to the core. Anyway I am not here to spoil my mood. Ok! I am here to tell you about my very special relationship with my dearest friend. No names, ok?
So here goes. She used to visit my office very regularly and I never paid much attention to her. A very petite woman in late 30’s I guessed then. She wore her hair shorter than the rest and seemed very tomboyish. Her talk was always very husky and mature. I am sorry, I don’t know what I am talking here, but I guess you can understand all that. So one fine day( sure, we saw that movie together too) she just asked me casually whether we could get together for lunch. In the office cafeteria, mind you!
I really don’t know what she spoke to me then, but I hazily remember we just spoke about work and later about our interests. I didn’t find any interests common between us. But something’s just fall in place! You know what I mean.
Suddenly she was all over the place and we were regularly attending gym and having coffee more often. I would travel far beyond my office just to meet her in some mall or some other place. One day I booked some movie tickets for us but I guess she didn’t enjoy it at all. Maybe her temperament is more suitable for the scifi type of films. I loved all mushy films. Still we continued to go for movies.
We even had some strange stuffs to do. You know the type of Arab streets stuff. We started to become serious much later. I think it all started when I had to be admitted in emergency in the hospital. She was the only one there for me. I told her to go home but she wouldn’t budge from her chair. Slept the whole night there and as the doc gave a clean chit, she tucked me home. I saw how much she loved me then.
Then there were flowers and rings and restaurants and holidays to exotic locations too.
Now we come to a point when your imagination may run wild. So hold it right there. I was surely and deeply in love with her but it was in no way a physical relationship.
We were twin souls who found love with each other. We expressed it with each other but decided that there could be nothing more to that than just being in love.
The closest we ever came to each other is when we hugged each other or we kissed like two friends meeting each other. Sometimes we stay at each other’s houses too. But the only thing that we do is talk, watch movies or just exchange notes from our past lives and keep to ourselves.
Let the silly ones watch the blue movies or see some serials but that doesn’t affect our relationships. I do have an occasional bouts of jealousy when she goes with her other friends but that’s all to it. We fight and then make up and then we again fight. We have our mood swings and terrible scenes too. But that doesn’t separate us in any which way.
We have arrived at a healthy code of conduct. I will not interfere in her personal relationships and neither will she. But when we are together we want to be together only. No one can take that away from us.
Now coming back to the movie, we watched it together and felt the emotions but that can hardly make me have a roaring sex bout with her. Anyway she seems cool to it. Maybe some day! Who knows? So just stfu and don’t you go about calling us gay or whatever you want to. You live your life and let us live ours. Got that, ah?